Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I've blown a few things in my day
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
