Well douche your snatch and let's go!
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
