I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
