he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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