i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
what day is it and did you see me today?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
