I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
