I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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