Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
