Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
