News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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