I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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