I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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