I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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