My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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