it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
