i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
