i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
