everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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