cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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