If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
