well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
