I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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