This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
