She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
