theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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