Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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