saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
