You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
