Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
