Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You know, be my cock's hype man.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
