A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Randomize
