i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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