I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
