Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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