I like to think it a success when the cops are called
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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