I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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