Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
He passed out mid-signature
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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