I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
