from now on my penis is your penis
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
