when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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