I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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