this beer tastes like vomit already
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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