Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
