It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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