just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
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He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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