A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
