Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
