okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
