just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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