Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
