I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
