possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
