shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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