she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
