His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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