I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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