all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
